party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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