umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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