oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
