just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
