The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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