i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
