I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
