I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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