So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
