why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I am available for nakedness
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
