The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
false alarm. still invincible.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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