dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
