If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
