***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
