One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
