Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
