your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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