I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
