All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
