Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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