There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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