Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
