Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
