My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
