i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
