Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
