Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
