a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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