just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you will always have a special place in my vag
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
