it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
