Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
