y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
