Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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