I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Houston, we have a blender
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
