What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
