it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
