i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Randomize
