eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
PANTIES FOUND
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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