He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
