I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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