In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
