I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
no you cant smoke seaweed
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
