I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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