She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
