oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
FUCK WHALES
Why did my mother make you get naked?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
