My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
