Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
