So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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