I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
