I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize
