i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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